In New York, thats from building to building. Mencken, Moving from Los Angeles to Petaluma is the best thing I ever did. Why do people from India like New York? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey., 31. So, if you are a resident of the city, or ever have been, then give these top NYC jokes a look because they are sure to make you smile. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback., 69. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world? 111. . Please add a link to this article. Hes got a homeless guy. Dress as a cop. You cant do that. When blondes move from New Jersey to New York, what happens? Because it was so hot in NYC today. They write theses on What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation., 89. New York isnt taxi-ing to your wallet. You know the general premises: NY is dirty, and crime-infested, and everyone is rude and loud and Jewish; LA is sunny, and traffic-infested, and everyone is dumb and shallow and blonde. You dont hear about Martians in Harlem., 67. Because crap floats. 106. In New Yorkits so cold that the Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her dress! Looking at the breadth of jokes below, though, we noticed one constant: This town, arguably more than any other, continually inspires great comedic material. New Yorks such a wonderful city. In winter, New York makes a great frost impression. Four beautiful children named after kings and pieces of fruit are a way of saying, I can afford a four-bedroom apartment and $150,000 in elementary-school tuition fees each year. Not true. Here are our favorites so far, in alphabetical order. And I turned around and it was a cat. What do hookers, Wall Street brokers, actors, tourists, rock stars, priests, drug dealers, fashion models, tourists, bartenders, old ladies, newlyweds, and divorce attorneys have in common? See you in the Email! Whats up? . They export all of these items with the twin exceptions of muscle tone and points, neither of which seem to travel well. Fran Lebowitz, I have a theory about L.A. architecture. Its great that youre able to do it. Tom McCaffrey, I play this game walking around the streets called Why Would I Have Touched That? Im fat in all the wrong places. 25. I realized this cause I was on the subway the other day and I heard a meow moewwww and Im like, Oh great, here comes some frickin guy pretending hes a cat. Look at her; shes fucking beautiful! Tire-less., 12. Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . I love this city; its a great city. Thats why I love karaoke so much it takes all the music I find annoying AND all the people I find annoying, and keeps it in one place I can easily avoid. Aziz Ansari, I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid. Like, mid-ride, they decide, Lets not stop. Find more hilarious funny new york city jokes here. Holler! Youve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your life. Lets Do the Thing: How Online Were You in February 2023? He said, A good building, you got a door man. ( Knock Knock Jokes for Kids) What do you call a city of 20 million eggs? New Yolk City! Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? Or hurricanes., This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. Im not having his argument; Im having mine. Enjoy! In NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space. They stick to the ground. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? Or hurricanes. Kumail Nanjiani, This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. Like, Heres a bunch of moneyjust kind of punch me all over. Especially since there are so many great ways to die here., 95. New York Sucks., 111. Talk about kazoos for a few minutes, then you hop on your unicycle and juggle, you carnival-faced motherfucker. Hannibal Buress, Fuck you, and fuck the Yankees! Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! 66. . My great grandmother worked on the Underground Railroad 2022 in Review. Bits by comedy titans like Woody Allen, Louis C.K. I moved to New York City for my health. Finally made it to Staten island. Because theres a Delhi on every block., 3. Show - New Jokes and Newbies. I dont think things could get any Bleeker. But look at him, hes wearing orange footie pajamas and hes got tinfoil on his head and hes playing a Casio! David Cross, Theyve got homeless guys everywhere you look. I would have said, Excuse me, Im new in town, and it gets worse. John Mulaney, I dont know what its like in the moments just before youre killed by hit men, but I bet its not unlike when youre on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing. Think New Yorkers dont get along? We share them in our weekly newsletter. Your brain is, like, fried," Nepola, 55, screams back while pointing at her best friend. What fills the entire volume of its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed? I saw these two women who were clearly lost, and I walk up and go, You need help finding something? She looks up and goes, Oh no, we prefer to find it ourselves. Isnt that a weird preference? 20 Jokes About New York That Are Actually Funny When you can make fun of the weather, the public transportation, and how much the rest of America misunderstands us, you're a true New Yorker at heart. 1. This week Vulture is running a series of stories about the comedy produced in, and inspired by, New York and Los Angeles. So theres a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. You can also read more about which policy is right for you in my full review here. Push. Worse, actually; at least the eunuch is allowed to watch. Albert Brooks, Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: The Ferrari is paid for, The mortgage is assumable, and Its just a cold sore! Milton Berle, California is a fine place to live if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen, Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. Fred Allen, You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producers heart. Fred Allen, Theres only five real people in Hollywood. In New York, all the things I cant afford are so convenient., 24. Monday, Feb 27, 2023 at 9:45 p.m. New York Comedy Club on 4th Street. And really, all that means is that Im constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like theyre about to go operate a steam engine., 47. 72. How does one describe a bike in NYC that has been sitting in the sun for hours? Privacy Policy and We already have this email. He was clearly a successful man, yet in that moment he just looked a like naughty boy with his head stuck between some railings waiting for a fireman to cut him loose., New Yorks such a wonderful city. I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it., 75. Moo York., 110. In a Netflix comedy by Katharine McPhees stepdaughter. Theres traffic, nobodys moving The guy behind me is honking just at me. Where do eggs go on vacation? It would be like, You seen this shit? ( Summer Camp Joke s & Egg Jokes) He just stuck out his head and the doors closed on his neck. 71. 6. Thats a lot of votes. When you visit New York in winter, it makes a good frost impression. Thats like going to a casino and routing for the house. Doug Stanhope, Its tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. Theres only so much you can Cannoli do in Little Italy. And when I got home, I was like, What was I thinking? Its no surprise that New York City looks terrible in the morning. Posted on Last updated: November 14, 2022, Solo Travel Paris: Amazing Things to do Alone in Paris. Trips to New York are super taxi-ing on your wallet. This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white?, 81. 26. So fun. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty., 54. ( Egg Jokes) What is the Easter Bunny's favorite state capital? Its gotta be some weird cat guy. Like I was gonna turn around and there was going to be some guy with, like, cat ears and a unitard and felt whiskers. Dan St. Germain, For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy. Evelyn Waugh, There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe. Elbert Hubbard, New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire. Henry James, If you live in New York, even if youre Catholic, youre Jewish. Lenny Bruce, Itll be a great place if they ever finish it. O. Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York? Im Central Park-ing here. Ever watched how the Brooklyn bridge was built? 15. I said, Yeah, man, youre free. Now its high time to bring you the best jokes about our fair city. What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? They stick to the ground., 96. Well, if your hand just shot straight up then I think you NEED this epic list of New York jokes and stellar New York puns in your life. A fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long. These NY jokes and New York one-liners will totally blow your mind. Whats the difference between Middle Earth and NYC? Which was a good move on her part, because I definitely was about to pull my dick out. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. 5. Living in New York can be challenging at times and its not that easy for everyone. I cant go, Oh my God, somebody help me! Cant get nothing Pastrami at Katz Deli. They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second., 35. They all go like this: Once upon a time, I forgot. Theres only so much you can cannoli in Little Italy. When were standing on 4th Street. Todd Barry, I was on the train. 3. 2. They all go like this: Once upon a time, I forgot. My great grandmother worked on the Underground RailroadBut since she lived in NYC, we just called it the subway. 17. Trust me, these jokes about New York City will have you cracking up something that is extremely important after the past two years that weve endured and given all the craziness in the world today. And Im from fucking Pakistan. Americans are heading to bed. Our newsletter hand-delivers the best bits to your inbox. After all, it features all of the best very jokes about New York that have nothing to do with the city that never sleeps and that are sure to make you laugh. The end. Wyatt Cenac, In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent, quick decision that you have to make about every 20 minutes. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. A visitor. I love it. Its me, Kelly, the face behind Girl with the Passport! Really looking at yourself and going, Yeah, Im not cool enough for the West Village. Tina Fey, I never used to go to the beach cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there was rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution. Woody Allen, I live in New York City. ), 50 Funny Marketing Jokes That Will Increase Business Sales. Statin island. Dont pee on that., 72. See more ideas about upstate ny, upstate, bones funny. Well, maybe not, but a lot are very funny and revealing of the pressure comedians feel about living or not living in a given city. It is known for Hollywood and so much more. NYC is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell., 37. No blank heads are allowed to drive a cab in this town. Jerry Seinfeld, New York now leads the worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move. David Letterman, New York is a sucked orange. Ralph Waldo Emerson, My love life is terrible. You dont have to go far. The single most terrifying experience of my life. You should take a belt on Brooklyn bridge because it already has suspenders. I replied, Yeah, man, youre free., A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. They really dropped the ball this year. I didnt get much sleep. So glad you stopped by and super happy to meet you. Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. 104. 107. And they are all true! I love cats, colorful plants and having a good laugh with friends. I have to for health reasons. Buts its my move now; I got legs too. Thats what New York Citys done to me. Weve already tipped you off to the 50 funniest New Yorkers and the 21 comedy linchpins that keep Gothams scene alive. I mean, the dogs not thrilled with the deal. The cabbie, embarrassed, agrees, and starts praying to god. It does things to a person. 98. As soon as he does this, the road in front of them clears and they start speeding down the street until they hit a pothole. Cant be the animal that makes that noise. Whats the best question to ask when you meet an actor in Los Angeles? On a recent Saturday, the . Because thats where the mini apple is! They bought their team, they spent the most money, theyre supposed to win If youre going to be some fucking bloat-headed alcoholic, drinking overpriced beer in the stands and paying too much money for parking, have some character, pick an underdog. The smile looks really good on you. Turns out it was a bar mitzvah. You would never do that in another situation. But this had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, cause he just left him there. 18. Empire State Building? The train stopped, and she got off and moved to another car. My lips are sealed, bro. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. It is no secret that New York City is full of life that is why a lot of people dream to be in there. They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second. Ladies And Germs. Itll be a great place if they ever finish it., 56. Im paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified. Hes a turd., Ive lived in New York City way too long. I always falafel after drinking all night. Its just so much more satisfying to sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us find 4th Street. 97. Q: Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? 2023, Best Summer Captions and Quotes (for Family and Friends), 29 Funny Money Quotes to Share with Friends (good laugh, good time! If youre booking a trip right now then I IMPLORE you to get travel insurance even if its not from me. Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny., 33. Wish Id known that before I risked my life. Although I was at the library today. New York, NY 10003. New York looks crappy in the mornings. Sometimes, these NYC puns and New York jokes are so over-the-top bad that theyre actually good. But out of respect, people still say, May I approach the bench? And thats sweet. Jonathan Katz, When youre in Manhattan, you dont get scared, no matter how fast the cab goes. What kind of hipsters live in the Big Apple? A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. . I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight, guess what it was? 45. Years ago, I was walking down the street, and a homeless guy came up to me, and he pushed me in the chest, and then he said these things in this order: Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, Im new in town Youre gonna close with new in town? In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment., 39. . When were standing on 4th Street., I was on the train. The whole show is in a silly, goofy mood. Because crap floats. I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. However, there are 6 million interesting people in New York, and only 72 in Los Angeles. Neil Simon, Los Angeles is just New York lying down. Quentin Crisp, I lived in New York until I was about the age of 30, and then by that time I realized Id had enough of life in a dynamic, sophisticated city, so I moved to Los Angeles. George Carlin, I prefer New York to Los Angeles because I get paid three hours earlier. Henny Youngman, The women in California, they get scared. Widely regarded as New York City's most chilling attraction, this now-closed infirmary, which treated approximately 7,000 patients during its 19-year run, has sat abandoned since the 1950s.. And this guy approached me. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. Its like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it. Al Madrigal, If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right. Richard Jeni, You cant smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic when you consider the fact that you cant breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles. Greg Proops, Hollywood is like Picassos bathroom. Candice Bergen, I have been asked if I ever get the DTs; I dont know, its hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin. W.C. Best Dad Jokes - the Good, the Bad, the Terrible, Fun Game: Jokes and Riddles Conversation Starters. NEW YORK JOKES "New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved." Johnny Carson "It's so cold here in New York that the flashers are just. Is there a differences between New York Giants fans andTrump supporters? Look out for your first newsletter in your inbox soon! Moo York. You know, everything in New York is just so pitcher perfect. Youre not a penguin. Because while New York City is amazing, its definitely not perfect. In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans., 53. 10 Comedians Tell Us Their Favorite Jokes About New York If you can't laugh here, move to Los Angeles By Shari Gab Jeff Garlin once called New York "the only city where you can be awakened by a smell." Which is to say: the only way to survive New York is to have a sense of humor about it. Its the only place where if you look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit., 66. Lets go west., 78. Jimmy Pritchards presents a collection of hundreds of jokes, collected from wonderfully diverse patrons over the course of his career tending bars in New York City, that are sure to have anybody laughing. Please see my disclosure for more information. Sign up to unlock our digital magazines and also receive the latest news, events, offers and partner promotions. 184. 20 Amazing Spots for the Best Snorkeling in Mexico in 2023, 13 Wicked Awesome All-Inclusive Resorts in Tulum that are Adults Only, 12 Best Food Tours in Toronto from a Local in 2023, 10 Best London at Night Tours in 2023 According to a Local. A single tower fell in Paris., 107. NYC is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, Hey, thats mine. ), 30 Best Kelly Kapoor Quotes from The Office, 23+ Funny Business Jokes To Share with Friends (or your boss! What distinguishes Middle Earth from New York City? But most other food should be stickless. Steve Carell, The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. Studies show that most New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. Doesnt have to be right, just has to be short. How hard is it to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? To park in handicap spaces., 99. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. And, as if by magic, instead of breaking apart, the car hits the ground and . Jamal, They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles, and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. And if you're wondering why the train's an hour late, just ask the cow in the kitchen." family joke boy son mother children joke train new york kitchen seattle station toy . Its not really a ghetto, its a ghetto suburb. And lets not tell them either. Or lets tell them as the doors are closing. Why was the bagel store robbed? Oh, another guitar player. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. Today, we give you jokes about those cities. And even if she was from this country, no one has said bozo in 1,000 years. Busy Phillips Is Not Like a Regular Mom, Shes a Cool Mom, Theres nothing wrong with Busy Phillips being cast as Mrs. George in the upcoming, In Search of Tom and Katies Bubba Painting, Maybe punting on the larger plot can be forgiven if we get a sweet. To park in handicap spaces. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. I would say it boat-time! They write theses on What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation. Joan Rivers, [New York] is all sex and violence. I rode this roller coaster called the Cyclone. Two Towers. My dad was the town drunk. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. Theyre just like, Why is the BFG on Sunset? Amy Schumer, The stupidest thing is to assume Latinos are all from Mexico. Most of the time thats not so bad, but in New York City? Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? After 5 years, what does an NYU graduate call a Columbia graduate? After moving his train around the track for a minute, he stops the train and says "This is New York City. 78. And most of those mysteries remain unsolved., 25. Its like I paid a guy. How you livin?, 68. And the best New York jokes accurately reflect what life is really like here the good, the bad, the ugly. Bursting with laugh-out-loud jokes and fun facts, LOL Jokes: New York City combines the best of humor and history for young readers! It makes both states smarter!, 6. Now theres a store that just sells mayonnaise It is probably the most cartoonish, stereotypical image of gentrification I have ever seen. Many people already bank on it. Saul Bellow, New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature. Thomas Jefferson, New Yorkers realize its a filthy hole. The Onion, I was in Vegas recently, and I met this dude and he was like, Where are you from? and I said, New York City Hes like, Aw, man. Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? Because the Big Apple captivated her. On a scale of laminated-eyebrow drama to Lemon Lady Secrets. And really all that means is that I'm constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like they're about to go operate a steam engine., Its a thrill to be in New York. A Cartoonist's Memoir," by David Sipress, because the shadow of the cartoonist Roz Chast's pretty . To become mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes. When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? Ill sometimes offer directions when people dont even ask me. 178. A Cyclone. Theyd say, There goes Obama! You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!. If you want to make a great frost impression go to New York! You know, like, Hey, nice haircut. Screw you; whats wrong with it? Colin Quinn, Ive lived in New York City way too long. The one we have is holding 6 pounds of bird crap, has 12 rips in it, 11. Everybody loves it. He was like, Miss, you need somebody to walk you home? And I was like, No, Im good. Hes like, Are you sure? I was like, No, I got it, thanks. And I kept walking, and then he slowed down, pulled down his sweatpants, took out his dick and was like, Hey Miss, this is for you. And I was like, No. And then I kept walking all the way home. If not then let me know in the comments below. Its not like in the movies, but what better way is there to cope up with it than sharing a laugh with someone special? When I was in NYC, a black man asked if the Yankees had won. Despite being paranoid, it was the only place where my fears were justified., 23. 52. The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City., 88. There are, as you may have noticed, a lot of jokes about flying. Your closet is filled with black clothes. If youve been t New York, you know that vegan puns are so corny! I do this every day on Tinder. 1. Theres three New York stories, alright: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life and Ghostbusters., Theyve got homeless guys everywhere you look. Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. 175. 253 pages. You know, just taking cheesy selfies in New York. Hes driving fast and recklessly, but hes a professional. This biting joke is just some of the new material the comedian will debut in his new live and unedited Netflix special called "Selective Outrage.". Illustrated. . New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. 30. This is the third Willow-related death this year. Aziz Ansari, Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. New York pretzels leave my heart in twists. Today's borough on which you may bash is Staten Island, so have at it. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Theres three New York stories, all right: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life, and Ghostbusters., 48. When you get there, you gotta get out like, Alright, Im home. What did the old timey New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? The Brooklyn flea market is just a hop skip and a jump away. Lots of jokes. Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. And thats tough. I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. Here are the best jokes , and at the end, the winners. 21. All rights reserved. is so celebrity-conscious, theres a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson and when he shows up, they tell him therell be a ten-minute wait. Bill Maher, L.A. In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment. David Sedaris, In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans. Charlotte Perkins Gilman. The temperature in NYC can reach 100 degrees, so what do you do to stay cool? For instance, their fire department wont make house calls. Mort Sahl, Homeless people in L.A. are different. Trump was like, 'That's why I live on the 58th floor.'" -Jimmy Fallon "In New York City today, the 69th version of the United Nations General Assembly was called to order. So Im gonna die! The street art in New York is very ad-mural-able. Since that time he has been . We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish.